Welcome back to the No Laying Up mailbag! It’s a special Masters edition, which means we’re splitting it into two parts. Look for Part Two on Wednesday.
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Bfrosty: KVV, I’m going to my very first Masters this year (Monday practice round)! Any advice?? What to do, not do, etc.
There are a few places that live up to the hype, and I think a first visit to the Masters is one of them. Not sure if you’ll see this in time, Mr. Frosty, but for anyone else, my best advice is to walk down 10 (pausing to look at the coolest bunker on the course) and then head down 11 to Amen Corner. People have been writing melodramatic things about it for half a century, but it really is cool to stand there and see 11, 12 and 13 and realize you’re not looking at a painting. Also, it will help you grasp something about Augusta National that television truly cannot convey: The elevation changes! Supposedly, from where the clubhouse sits to where 12 green sits is a drop about the equivalent of the Statue of Liberty. That’s pretty cool.
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As for what else to do, I’ve always loved sitting on 15 and watching players try to hit that green, whether it’s with a wedge or a long iron. Ian Poulter once told me it was like trying to land on a golf ball on two ping-pong tables that had been strapped together.
Do check out the merchandise tent at some point, but don’t go bonkers. Pick something that will last, not something you’ll throw away in a year.
Don’t, under any circumstances, run. They don’t like that. Don’t say anything moronic like “Mashed potatoes!” or “Get in the hole!” when someone is hitting driver on a 500-yard par 4. That’s a great way to get booted. I’m not kidding either.
Do try a pimento cheese sandwich. I’m not a fan but I try one every time I go, just to see if my taste buds have come around. Grab a cheap beer and find a player you feel invested in and follow them for a few holes. Feel the freedom that comes with not being tethered to technology for a few hours. At first, you might feel FOMO. But then a calm will wash over you and you��ll realize how pleasant life is without a tiny computer in your pocket that can teleport all the world’s miseries right into your fingertips. Make jokes with your friends and people-watch. I once saw Arnold Palmer drinking an Arnold Palmer on the veranda. It would be hard to top that one, but I hope you get your own memory to file away forever.
Jwfickett: Very stupid thought exercise for you… A generous benefactor has donated a blank check to the NLU slush fund, sufficient to cover a sky-writer who can deliver any message 12 words or fewer to the patrons and greencoats below, converging on the sacred grounds of Augusta National on Saturday afternoon. As the company wordsmith, KVV is designated to draft the message.
What message are you sending to the club, to the golfers, to the patrons, or to the world?
I gave this considerable thought, but before I came up with an answer, I had to ponder: Is there a skywriting school? Do you have to get licensed? Is there a skywriters union? I’m not sure skywriting is a particularly effective way to deliver a message these days. I would also be worried that Augusta has its own missile defense system at this point and our fearless skywriter would get taken out well before he finished. Joel Beall’s fascinating article that detailed the 30-year plan for Augusta National didn’t include ballistic missiles, but I wouldn’t rule anything out. (Except maybe a waterslide. Augusta is way too classy to build a waterslide; that’s more the style of Southern Hills.)
As for a message, I have settled on this: I would ask the skywriter to write some lyrics from the Quad City DJs classic tome “C’Mon ‘n Ride It (The Train).”
Why would I pick such an insane thing? Well, it’s the song that Tiger blasted in his car driving down Magnolia Lane in 1997 when he won The Masters. This is his 25th appearance at Augusta. I feel like it would be a nice callback and an Easter Egg for him (literally on Easter weekend) that would perhaps help him channel some of that magic.
The baffled look on people’s faces would be a delight. But I like to imagine Tiger humming “C’mon ride the train, hey, ride it” as he plays the back nine on Saturday, almost like it’s a time machine.
FisherM24: Alright KVV, you’ve won the Masters, what are we getting at your Champions Dinner?
I struggled with this answer because I wanted to pay homage to my home state of Montana, but I also wanted something more interesting than just steaks, which is the most Montana meal I can think of. My wife is of Mexican heritage, and I’m a huge fan of Chef José Andrés — both his food and who he is as a person — so I’d ask Augusta National if I could hire him for the evening to prepare a meal made up of ceviches and tacos and tortas. I would want a couple of bottles of Pappy Van Winkle bourbon to pass around, and then I think I’d serve my mom’s banana oatmeal cookies with ice cream as dessert. I feel like that would cover all the things I love and want to represent me.
While there is no risk of me ever winning The Masters, I do like it when golfers get creative with their meals. Supposedly, Vijay Singh’s spicy Thai food-themed Champion’s Dinner was a huge hit, even though Gary Player said he spent the next 24 hours on the loo after the meal. (I did not make that up, it’s a real quote from Player you can read here.)
JDGafflin: Please give us your personal rankings of the 4 majors and give a brief synopsis of why you’ve ranked them in those spots.
- The Open Championship: The Open is the best major because it usually asks players to be creative artists instead of robots. I appreciate that the bad bounces and bad weather are part of the deal, you don’t cry about it, you just try to overcome it. Spieth’s win at Royal Birkdale is probably my favorite major I’ve attended in person. I love that it stays light out until 10 p.m. I love that there is usually a pub somewhere after the round where people are telling stories, I love that it’s a little less crass and commercial than the other majors (even if that’s changing). I love the venues and the towns. I also love watching it on TV when I’m not there, even if that means getting up at 3 a.m.
- The Masters: One element that makes golf unique as a sport is that so much of the joy you derive from it is based on anticipation. I know every hole at Augusta National, and I know that whoever wins this year, they’re going to have to hit great shots on 12, 13 and 15. I can spend hours thinking about those shots, hoping Rory will execute them or that someone else will fail to execute them. That’s part of what makes the Masters great. In football, I can anticipate a long touchdown pass. In baseball, I can anticipate a home run, but it’s possible neither will occur. I KNOW Jordan Spieth has to hit a shot into No. 12, and I’m guaranteed that entertainment. That’s why the Masters returning to the same course every year is so compelling. Even if I love a shot at Pinehurst or Pebble Beach, I might have to wait five years before I see it happen again in a major. Throw in the fact that Masters rarely gets the spectator experience wrong and it’s hard to beat.
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The U.S. Open: I do enjoy it when the U.S. Open drives players a little crazy, but I don’t love it when you basically have to hack out sideways if you miss a fairway. I like it when there is danger lurking, but recoveries are possible. I wish the U.S. Open w
Source: https://nolayingup.com/blog/kvv-mailbag-masters-part-1