Full disclosure before we get started: My allegiance is to the United States, and I am on the record as predicting a United States victory by a margin of 16-12. I’m not going back on that prediction now that Tiger’s won for the first time in five years. The Americans are a slight betting favorite, and by all accounts, they should be. This is perhaps the strongest team the United States has taken to a Ryder Cup since the expansion of the competition to include all of Europe in 1979.
Nonetheless, this is European Tour blog, so I’m going to take the Stars-and-Stripes-laden aviators off for a while and have some fun letting my imagination run wild about a Team Europe victory.
It me (prior to and immediately after writing this column).
Am I nuts for writing a few thousand words about a completely insane hypothetical? YES! But, if nothing else, this should be a fun exercise in giving the Euros something to hope for and the Yanks something to chew on for the next couple of days. We’ll see how close we are to any of these if Europe ends up holding the Ryder Cup on European soil, as it has done every time hosting since 1993. Let’s go to Crazytown!
Day 1:
Morning Foursomes
The Americans came to play. Webb Simpson gets to hit the opening tee shot and atones for his 2014 sky-ball with a perfectly striped hybrid right down the Av. des Champs-Elysées. He and DJ team up for the opening session against the formidable Rose/Stenson duo. In a back-and-forth match, the Americans get an early 2 up lead. Rose and Stenson battle down the stretch to squeak out a 1 up victory, putting the first full point on the board for the Europeans and quelling any American dreams of setting up a big lead in the opening foursomes session (a la Hazeltine).
The second and third matches are played to half-point draws each, as the teams of Hatton/Fleetwood and Molinari/Noren draw with Mickelson/Fowler and Reed/Spieth, respectively.
In the fourth match, Poulter and McIlroy lose a surprising bout 3&2 to the team of Koepka and Watson, wherein Poulter’s putter never really gets going after Rory leaves him a bunch of 25+ footers due to ongoing struggles with distance control. On the other hand, Brooks comes out of his morning lift feeling “extra swole” and “super jacked,” and Bubba avoids the baguettes and brie–having instead some tasty grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast using flown-in Wonderbread and Kraft singles (shout out Team Chef Mike Ramsey – Jacksonville Golf and Country Club’s finest).
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Opening Session: EUR 2 – USA 2.
Afternoon Fourballs
The Euros struggle in this session. Neither Rahm nor Garcia were pleased about sitting out the morning matches, but instead of channeling that frustration into a victory, they run into the high-fivin’, butt-slappin’, Mizzen & Main dancin’ duo of Mickelson and Finau. The Big Tabernacle has no nerves, and rattles off 7 birdies in the first 10 holes en route to a 5&4 victory over the “fiery” Spaniards. We are reminded that they are “fiery” on the broadcast at least twice per hour. Mickelson hits it all over the yard, but instead of looking intently for lost balls in the wispy grasses, he fires up his iPhone mid-round to (1) Periscope Finau’s fourth straight birdie on the 6th hole to take a 4 up lead, and (2) bet the Phil/Finau–Tiger/Bryson–JT/Spieth parlay.
When the parlay hits but you don’t gamble so you just gotta act excited for your partner.
It ends up being a solid bet, as Tiger and Bryson take Olesen and Casey to the woodshed, while #TeamGoodBuddies Spieth and Thomas eek out a close one against Stenson and Rose. Phil is always the smartest guy in the room, and he knew enough not to bet against team “Fleetwood Mac” who provide the loan bright spot in the afternoon by going their own way to win a point against the surprise team of Reed and Rickie, who don’t even want to pretend to like each other long enough to ever be competitive in the duel.
Second Session: EUR 1 – USA 3. Day 1 Overall: EUR 3 – USA 5.
Day 2:
Morning Fourballs
Facing a 2 point deficit, the Europeans put some stallions out in the early morning fourball session. Team Fleetwood Mac continues their dominance, this time against the team of Phil and Rickie. Rory channels those visions from the 2014 PGA Championship of Mickelson and Fowler high-fiving in the group in front of him, which leads to him suddenly finding the center of the club face with a few wedges. Meanwhile, Garcia and Rahm get revenge facing off against Brock Cupcake and Justin Thomas. Team #JupLife skipped leg day, and as a result, the glutes just weren’t getting fully activated. With two blue flags on the board early, a new pairing of Tiger and Reed find a way to gut out a point against Poulter and Casey, but Stenson and Rose are too much for le Artisté and DJ, who prove that opposites do not always attract. The match ends on a sour note when Bryson yells at DJ to “read a fuckin’ book!” after the round so they might have something to talk about next time. DJ does not take that advice. The result is a big session for the Euros and the tide shifting back in their direction.
Third Session: EUR 3 – USA 1. Overall: EUR 6 – USA 6.
Afternoon Foursomes
The Yanks have a problem. Captain Furyk knows he needs to get Bryson’s mind right–and Cat might be just the medicine. However, he doesn’t want to break up the newfound revelation of Tiger and Reed. What’s more, Tiger didn’t plan on playing two sessions on the same day anyway. This conundrum leads to a pretty heated argument among the vice captains, and it ends with Zach Johnson and Matt Kuchar putting their balding heads together to come up with a BRILLIANT(!) solution: sit them both.
With Tiger and Bryson on the pine, the captains feuding, and the Euros with all the momentum, the Americans are reeling. The team of DJ and Webb gets another go of it, but they aren’t able to find the magic they had on Friday morning, and lose a close one 2&1 to Molinari and Noren. Poulter and Casey are back for another round, and this time, it clicks against Thomas and Fowler. Poults gets it going early, draining a long birdie putt on the first and another one on the third. After Casey stripes a drive on the fourth, Poulter steps up and calls in the precision air strike for an eagle from 190 yards out.
Close your eyes for a moment and picture what an eagle by Poulter from 190 in a Ryder Cup would look like. In reality, it is far, far worse than what you’re imagining. His eyes bulging, his chest pounding, his teeth gritting…Poulter lets out a wail that happens to be mic’d up and not caught by the five-second delay. Johnny Miller can only muster a “whoops…sorry ’bout that folks” as Poulter screams, “FUCK YOU, UNCLE SAM, YOU WANKER!” running down the fairway at full sprint speed. The match is over before it begins, and by a margin of 6&5, #TeamJupLife(PartDeux) get dealt an embarrassing defeat. Somewhere, Jose Maria Olazabal is smiling.
Thankfully for USA, the Mickelson and Finau pairing proves to have some juice. This time, it’s Phil doing the heavy lifting, as Rahm and Hatton can’t stand the fun-loving, west coast vibe coming from the Big Lefty and the Big Tabernacle. Hatton and Rahm both say a LOT of words out loud on the golf course, but all of them are directed inward or towards their respective golf balls. And while each of them tries their best to keep the other mentally on planet Earth, there’s too much lost in translation between the two, as both seem to always have both hands covering their mouths/faces after every single putt, preventing the words of encouragement from being fully understood.
What is #RahmThreat saying here? Your guess is as good as mine. Photo cred: AP News.
The USA trots out ol’ reliable Spieth and Reed in the final pairing, going up against Fleetwood Mac. In what turns out to be the tightest, most entertaining match of the team sessions, the Americans jump out to a quick 2 up lead. Fleetwood gets the bug and turns into Fleekwood the Flusher, dropping a couple of quick dimes in the middle holes leading to a pair of conceded birdies. Rory then finds his wedge game, getting the Euros a 1 up lead on 16, but Spieth and Reed dig deep. Coming down to the last hole, Spieth is faced with a 5 footer to win the hole and halve the match. Reed, feeling inspired, takes Spieth aside and tells him about that time when he got put in the line drive section, but decided to take matters into his own hands and upgrade his seats while tagging the TOUR not once, but TWICE in the same shady tweet. Spieth looks confused. “Take this match into your own hands…UPGRADE FROM THE LINE DRIVE SECTION!” Reed growls, spittle raining from his grimacing face. It’s the most inspirational speech Reed’s ever given…just ask
Source: https://nolayingup.com/blog/the-eurozone-11-blue-tinted-glasses